Iscariot The Second Crusade
by Street Preaching Maniac
Summary: The most fanatical, maniacal, anarchical bunch of Catholics you'll ever meet! Now they come to Britain to rid them of vampires again, with the help of a suspicious, sword-wielding new recruit! Don't make us go on another crusade!
1. Introduction

**Chapter 1: Cameos, Parodies and Shameless Self-Inserts**

"What a perfect night, I might just have a bite to drink."

The Silhouetted Alucard strolled almost stumbling into the darkness as he laughed.

_Cue catchy incomprehensible theme song_

_- - -_

"I think someone's broken into the apartment…" Tom muttered.

"Well don't go all out…the law changed, remember?"

"Oh yeah….better check the proper protocol..."

He reached for a battered book, the page opened revealing a series of cartoons describing the 'do's and 'don't's for dealing with intruders.

"Hehe, funny pictures! Hey according to this I can kill him in 'self-defence'!"

"You're reading the cartoon again, aren't you?"

"I know what I'm doing!"

He opened up a large cupboard full of sporting and gardening equipment. The hand brushed over a baseball bat, a bloody spade, a pitchfork with 'Angelsword' engraved, a board-with-a-nail, an antique musket and stopped at a golf club.

He removed the golf club like a sword, lining it Kill-Bill style along his psychotic eyes, grinning devilishly.

He crept to the staircase and spotted the shadowed intruder. He leaped over the banister landing face to face with the figure, the club dividing the two, with a hand on the light switch.

The light flickered over the intruder, smiling equally menacingly back.

Tom looked somewhat stunned, "Wow. You look way too posh to be a regular burglar!"

"Well, a good evening to you too then…"

Alucard focused on the golf-club inches from his face and laughed mockingly.

Looking threatening, Tom said, "I'd like you to leave before I have to imprint the five-iron on your face."

Alucard laughed in a hysterical fashion as Tom swung the club at his face. He caught it in two fingers, and then effortlessly bent it in half.

"……help?"

Alucard lifted him off the ground by the mangled golf club and hurled him into the wall.

"You humans get more unpredictable every day. At least you proved some entertainment for my dull evening…"

"Sure! That's nice to know, you freak!"

Alucard drew the Jackal and fired directly at the head. He drew the smoking gun back as Tom slumped over.

Alucard leaned over to finish his victim in time to see his eyes open and stare coldly back at the vampire.

Alucard laughs as he said, "A Catholic, you're not the first!"

He drained Tom leaving him resting motionless against the wall.

- - -

_(Preview time! Cue nursery music!)_

**Seras**: On our next episode of Hellsing, we..(BANG)

**Tom**: Shut up heathen, we run the show now!

**Alucard**: Didn't you just die?

**Tom**: You're next, protestants! (Maniacal laughter)

_END_


	2. Enter The Plotline!

**Chapter 2: Enter The Plotline!**

"These aren't even chipped freaks! Where the hell are they coming from?"

Integra slammed her fist down on the desk in anger, as per usual.

The well-dressed officer continued his report.

"This recent infestation appears to be your common lore vampires attacking members of the Catholic denomination. They are much more of a threat than a typical ghoul."

Laughter echoed from around the room, "That's funny, they don't fight harder."

Alucard slipped through the ceiling, upside down, "They're just more inevitable cannon fodder."

- - -

Walter leaned back in his chair, looking unusually relaxed.

"Oh Walter..." Alucard appeared from the shadows, holding the Jackal.

Alucard continues "I hate to seem a vexation, but this gun could still be bigger!"

"Certainly. You could do with something more efficient for these new freaks."

Seras entered the darkened hallway, excited, "Do you think my gun will need an upgrade, Walter?"

"Miss Victoria, there is not a gun in the world stronger than your current cannon…"

- - -

A young man appeared from the plane. He had a distinctly low-cut fringe as though he was trying to hide his eyes.

He strolled confidently towards the exit, never lifting his head.

"Passaporto signore."

The steward examined the passport while the young man stood by silently.

After a long, quiet walk through the streets, he reached the Vatican City. There was a notice nailed to a wall recruiting for volunteers to section thirteen.

He strolled casually up to the Vatican recruitment entrance up to a mean-looking guard.

He stopped Alex in time to say, "Hold it, vampire! Read the sign..."

"_Vatican Section 13 now recruiting---NO VAMPIRES ALLOWED"_

Alex looked up in shock, revealing a pair of bright red, vampire eyes.

Alex appeared puzzled, "But you're clearly a vampire!"

"It says no vampire-S, stupid! They allow one!"

After a long pause, Alex pointed behind the guard with enthusiasm and said, "Hey! A fresh pool of blood!"

"Where!" The guard ran behind the door, shortly followed by Alex.

Sounds of a violent attack came from behind the door.

"Gyaaargh!"

Alex emerged, bloodstained from the door and casually strolled into a group of recruits.

One adolescent clad in Red Army uniform walked with them.

Alex spots the fanatic, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I AM SOV--- (think, Adam, think!) LEFT-WING-LIBERTARIAN MAN!"

"Of course…" Alex looked away.

After a prolonged silence, LLLM glanced over at Alex, "…You've got red on you."

- - -

_PREVIEW!_

**Tom**: No more self-inserts for me…

**Adam**: I'll trade salad in for a preview!

**Seras**: Who are you?

**Tom**: That's not much salad!

**Adam**: Not much of a preview...

_END_


	3. Big Guns

"Admonish your sins. Ye judges of the Earth!"

"Oh God! Get away!"

The vampire backed up, limping against the wall. He was bleeding in numerous places and had lost half a leg.

"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost!"

Alexander looked at the battered vampire with a psychotic eye.

"Amen."

He drew a pair of blades.

_Fade out!_

**Chapter 3: Big Guns**

Anderson sat slumped over in an arm-chair. The room was filled with bible passages over the floor and over the walls with knives holding them up.

He was flicking through envelopes when he comes across the 'XIII' branded letter.

…_requests your presence in the Special Forces mission to England…._

"Well, it's about time…"

He picked up a blade, lining it against his eye.

"So, we shall meet again…vampire."

- - -

"Congratulations, paladins. You shall be joining the Section XIII crusade to England. Go with the Grace of God…"

"Amen!" Anderson ducked under the doorway and strolled over to the recruits.

The commander continued, "Yes, Father Anderson will aid our cause against the vampires of England once again."

"We shall slay all undead and salt the Earth with their unholy dust, Amen."

The new Iscariots began to leave when Anderson interrupted.

"…Alex Peters?"

Alex stopped and slowly moved back towards Anderson.

"What makes you want to join our mission?"

Alex looked away, "….No reason."

"Hmph. I couldn't help but notice your unorthodox fighting style."

Anderson handed him a large, silver key with the shape of XIII at the end.

"A divine gift for a specialist like you, may God be with you on your quest."

- - -

The sky was a conveniently blood red colour, the moon in full glow over the treetops.

Alucard strolled comfortably over to a deserted house. The windows were barricaded but the door was rotting off the hinges.

Alucard silently pushed the door, but it fell over sending an echoing crash through the derelict building.

"Well, well. We've got a visitor, lads!"

A young man emerged from the shadows wielding an old-fashioned shotgun.

"You've got some nerve breaking in here!"

Alucard chuckled, "Such rude monsters today. Not even so much as a 'hello'

…or 'goodbye'."

He began to draw the new gun, five seconds later the end emerged from his coat.

"Oh bollocks! Shoot him!"

Gunfire burst from all directions ripping Alucard to pieces.

The mangled carcass crumpled against the doorway in a pool of blood.

The vampire walked over to Alucard, "Bloody hell, talk about overkill!"

He turned around to look at the other vampires and tripped. Alucard had formed into the dog, which was chewing half-way up the vampire's leg.

"What the hell!"

Alucard formed together and stood up, his new gun pressing against the vampire's face.

The new gun now read: _"Jesus Christ is turning in his grave for you vile spawn of Satan."_

The gun went off, blasting the vampire into the darkness.

"Oh Walter! It's even better than I expected!"

He laughed maniacally as he fired rapidly towards the ceiling.

Alucard strolled out of the doorway as several bloody corpses slammed against the ground.

"Targets silenced, Master…"

- - -

Alex walked through the moonlit corridors of the Section XIII facility towards a chapel room.

He opened the door to a cold, dark, empty room. Aside from the altar there was a door emblazoned with 'XIII' and a large keyhole.

Alex opened the door. A bright, golden light flooded over the altar as he enters in.

In the blinding light of the room stood a long sword pierced into a stand.

Alex grabbed the handle and drew the sword out. Carved into the sword was the Iscariot symbol, XIII.

- - -

**Seras**: On our next chapter, I make a solid appearance!

**Alex**: I vant to suck your blood! Bleargh!

**Seras**: Who says that anymore? Who the hell are you?

**Alex**: Wait!


	4. Residential Evil

**Author Note!**

We the real populace of Newport have nothing but contempt for the dominating local council who believe that we are all stinking rich and treat us as such.

(Adam: So we're going to simulate a total massacre of the bastards!)

For your viewing pleasure!

**And now what you have no particular desire to see!**

**- - - **

Integra sat at her desk, lighting a small cigar. Alucard appeared in the darkness at the end of the room and strolled quietly to Integra.

She didn't look up but began speaking, "The vampire problem is once again getting out of hand Alucard."

"What do you propose?"

"There must be a lone vampire who started this new infestation. He may be in England but we have no intelligence whatsoever…"

"What makes you suspect a single agent?"

"Well the last improvised plot ended with that, so I'm going on a hunch here…"

"…Orders, Master?"

Integra smiled at the familiar question, "Search and destroy."

**Chapter 4: Residential Evil**

The Hellsing troops lined up outside an extravagant office building. The top was emblazoned with a hexagonal symbol and the words: 'Selford & Vekin' There were numerous expensive cars parked outside but no sign of life.

"Right." Ferguson turned to the troops, "Squad A! Main entrance!"

"Victoria?"

Seras stepped up, carrying everyone's favourite gun…that big, anti-freak cannon thingy…

"Victoria, you lead Squad B to the far entrance on the east side."

"Sir, what are we expecting?"

Ferguson paused for a moment, "Ghouls and plenty of them…But we hope to apprehend someone of critical importance."

"Is it human?"

"We can only hope so. We believe he is at the very top of the office, there is a secure room in the event of emergency but you are more than capable of breaking through."

They marched off to the building. The door was quite obviously locked, but Seras effortlessly kicked the reinforced door down while still carrying the Harkonnen.

The squad entered quietly. The office was in surreal darkness but it was light enough to identify the surroundings.

Seras whispered, "Lights."

They switched on torches, revealing an immaculate office, everything was intact.

Seras took a radio, "Sir, there are no signs of any struggle on this floor."

"In that case, regroup with squad A and search the other floors. They should be round the corner from your position."

The group made their way around the office block, but there was no sign of Squad A.

Seras was beginning to look worried, "Sir, we can't find squad A and they aren't responding to their radios."

"Ignore that for now; your priority is to find life in the building."

Seras sighed and turned to the group, "Right then, we'll carry on to the next floor…"

She paused midway through her speech and began counting the troops.

"Umm, weren't there 12 of you before? Never mind."

The squad made their way to the poorly lit stairs.

_MEANWHILE!_

"Squad B! Come in squad B! Victoria!"

The group were in total darkness save for the flashing of guns firing rapidly.

A soldier paused to reload but was sent flying to the floor with a knife in his back.

"Man down! Man down!"

A few more soldiers were floored, leaving two firing wildly upwards at two objects flying across the ceiling at lightning speed.

A knife flew straight towards the second soldier, piercing straight into his neck sending blood flying. He collapsed on to the floor as the last soldier looked on in terror.

Two vampires landed in front of him and he pulled the trigger to a terminally inconvenient clicking.

"Oh no! Not now!"

He grabbed the radio at his side as the vampires leaped at him.

_BACK WITH SERAS!_

"Sir, still no signs of any people or squad A..."

The radio crackled and screeched but a broken message came through, "Victoria---tenth floor---vampi----."

The radio cut out before the soldier could finish.

"Everyone! Top floor! The lift won't hold my gun so I'll take the stairs."

The doors closed on the elevator as Seras sprinted up the stairs.

_FLOOR 10_

She emerged in a warmly lit, elegant corridor. There were a series of doors on either side. She glanced at the lift which had stopped at floor 7.

Seras maked her way along the corridor. She tried the first door. The handle rattled but the door would't open.

"It's locked from the other side…"

She tried another door, producing no result. "It's locked… Wait, why am I talking to myself?"

Just then she spotted a door with an odd plaque attached. She walked cautiously past a series of windows with rustling trees through them, lit eerily by the moonlight.

She reached the door and it was locked, the plaque had a sun-shaped hole in it.

"_The symbol of the light of day will open up a new path."_

"I don't have time for this!"

Seras stepped back, shouldered the cannon and blasted the door away along with a large piece of the wall.

She moved into the darkened room ahead. The light on the lift read '10', a computerised voice announced, _"Floor 10"_

This room was considerably larger and emptier than the others, the edges of the ceiling were lit with security lights but nothing below could be seen.

Seras continued in calling the soldiers, "Squad A! Thompson? Enfield? Browning?"

She thought for a moment, "Wow! What very English names they all have!"

She walked into the centre of the room but discovering none of either squad left, she lit a flare.

The flickering, red light illuminated a line of ghouls around the room. Seras started back in shock as a dozen or so ghouls appeared to be the missing Hellsing squad.

As the ghouls advanced, she made for the hole in the wall, but stopped in time to see the remaining Hellsing soldiers shambling lifelessly towards her.

She quickly became surrounded and lifted the Harkonnen. She fired one shell, erasing a line of ghouls but as she reloaded they swarmed around her.

"Oh…not good!"

Just then a large glowing hellish star appeared over Seras. The huge gun slipped out of the circle and fired, vaporising a huge group of ghouls.

"Master!"

Alucard floated casually out of the star and rested comfortably on his feet. He fired more bullets, ripping huge pieces off the ghouls until the room was cleared again.

"They're all dead…"

"This is no time to whine, police girl, there are two irritating pests at work here…"

Just as Alucard finished, two vampires zoomed across the empty room and halted directly in front of them. Alucard aimed his gun.

One of the vampires spoke, "Real vampires! Start praying, monsters!"

Shortly after speaking, his head was blown clean off, the body collapsed over and turned to dust. The other vampire looked on in horror.

Alucard smiled, "Oops! I guess my finger must have twitched."

The vampire suddenly ran off the spot, throwing a number of sharp projectiles at the pair of them.

"Oh please…"

Alucard squeezed the trigger, launching a bullet, ripping a massive hole in the vampire's chest. He fell to his knees, with blood pouring out of the gaping hole in his chest, before collapsing and turning into dust.

Alucard spotted a massive security door in the corner of the room.

"Get up, police girl. I've found a rat!"

Seras was curled over on the floor, with many sharp objects stuck in her neck.

"Quit suffering! You'll heal!"

Seras closed her eyes and cringed as Alucard ripped the blood-soaked objects from her throat. She reached for bandages and wrapped one around the massive open wound.

"Better now? I need you to blast that door out. Our friend is cowering in there."

Seras snapped another shell into the cannon and launched it at the door, blowing it to pieces effortlessly.

An well-dressed man was indeed cowering in the corner of the room, almost in tears.

Alucard and Seras stood over the coward.

"Don't hurt me please!"

_Fade out!_

_- - -_

Adam and Tom were waiting by the front door, it was daylight. Tom lifted the letterbox and looked through. There was nothing out in the street.

"Are they there?" said Adam while spinning a pitchfork around.

"No I can't see them…Oh wait, there they are…"

A number of ghouls were stumbling around just to the right of the garden.

Tom looked back at Adam, "Wait! Shouldn't we get Phil?"

"Oh yeah, I guess he'll be useful…"

Adam entered Phil's room; he was sat in the computer chair with his back to Adam.

"Phil? Phil….we're going to get Mum and then we're heading to the Pub if you want to---."

He spun the chair round, Phil was clearly a ghoul. He groaned and advanced towards Adam, arms outstretched.

"Join us!"

_- - -_

_Preview!_

**Alex:** I'm Alex…

**Seras**: Hey!

**Anderson: **And I'm Alexander…

**Seras**: Why do you have the same- - -?

**Both:** With the weather report…

**Anderson: **Next chapter, Newport will have a rain of blood…

**Alex: **And the intended storyline will continue…

**Anderson: **Amen!

**Seras**: Again, being silly!

_END!_


	5. On Ethical Resolve

_Author Note……I love these!_

(In the original manga, I think that the stereotypical writing for Anderson's voice is shocking. So I will be making no attempts to make his voice appear Scottish…You all know it is!)

I found the whole "I know you don't want to die tonight" thing of the anime to be annoying as originally, Alucard just shot the priest regardless of the lump of meat called Seras in front of it.

- - -

Adam was spinning a pitchfork around while Tom leaned on a bloody hockey stick.

Adam looked up and said, "We need a plan…"

Tom picked the stick up, "Right! Take your car, kill Phil, get Mum, go to The Bridge Inn! Sit back have an ice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over."

"Yeeaah booy!" They both stood up and whacked the bloody weapons together.

**Chapter 5: On Ethical Resolve**

Tom and Adam charged out of the house, shouting loudly, only to see a convoy of transport vehicles and troops charging through the street.

- - -

Alex and Anderson strolled comfortably in the midst of the chaos.

Alex turned to Anderson, "Where to, Father?"

"Don't call me Father, We are all brothers in Christ, call me Anderson."

Alex looked enthusiastically, "Can I call you Andy?"

"Absolutely not. Now, the main group is eliminating the vampires in the centre. We will be heading there…"

Anderson pointed to a small, traditional looking church behind the rows of houses.

"The church…sounds like fun…"

Anderson laughed, "Heh. You barely know you're alive!"

They walked down a large empty street. The fading, orange glow from the battered streetlights illuminated only small pieces of the road, revealing numerous puddles of blood and water trickling down under drain covers.

A shadowed figure appeared at a corner, they were at the gates of the church. It appeared human as it made no movements to suggest otherwise. Anderson approached.

"Can you herald good news, my son?"

The figure stumbled forward into a streetlight. The face was greying and rotting; the eyes were there but dead, staring blankly through Anderson.

"Not human…" Just as he finished, a handful of knives flew into the ghoul, sending it crashing to the floor.

The lone streetlight at the church flickered and fizzled out, sending the corpse into darkness.

Alex and Anderson made their way down the path, the door to the church was open and a warm light shone out into the abyss.

As they approached the doorway they heard a man delivering the ending of the mass.

"…Amen."

The man in priest robes looked up. His monstrous eyes glared at the two men at the door.

"Who are you?"

Anderson laughed quietly, "We are the messengers of God, here to purify this house of the demons of the night."

"Kill them!"

From within the shadowed benches, a huge number of ghouls stood to their feet. The candles lining the walls flickered and lit up, revealing the monsters. They drew guns out, mindlessly, aiming at the two figures at the door.

"Fire, damn you!"

At the moment the vampire finished, a barrage of knives flew at the left hand side of the church, decapitating a line of ghouls.

Alex leaped up, charging into a pack of ghouls. He ripped the sword through the chest of one ghoul, decapitating the next. He spun round swinging the sword, slicing another mass of ghouls in half.

"Stop! What are you doing!" The priestly vampire quivered, as he looks on at the destruction. In a few seconds, all of the ghouls had turned to greying dust, washing over the benches.

The two walked towards the lone vampire. The vampire stopped shaking and stretched out his right arm, effortlessly drawing in a woman from across the altar. He lifted her up in front of him shielding himself from the two swordsmen.

Anderson laughed, "How like a vampire to cower behind his meat shield."

The vampire spoke, "Well I don't think you can do it, you'll kill the girl too."

Anderson laughed hysterically, as another barrage of knives pierced through into the vampire. Blood spilled over the front of the altar.

Anderson knelt at the foot of the altar before they carried on through the side door.

Alex glanced at his superior, "You knew she was a vampire all along didn't you!"

"Yeah…Sure."

They entered an old, dusty room. The cold, silver light of the moon revealed a large cupboard. As they approached the cupboard it began to shake.

Anderson reached for the handle and flung the door open, revealing a young priest curled up, shivering at the bottom.

The priest looked at the feet of Anderson, he began to look up and five seconds later he saw the white collar and a surprisingly friendly face.

The priest climbed to his feet, "Oh thank goodness! Have they all gone?"

"They have all been banished to eternal hell, Father."

Alex was still looking down, shadowing his face, "Father, we need all the knowledge you have about this disaster."

"That loudmouth dressed as a priest was willingly telling all about it."

_Meanwhile at Hellsing HQ!_

"…Another vampire-manufacturing organisation, Sir Integra."

Integra looked solemnly towards the darkness of the room.

"The councillor gave us the information. It turned out he was funding the group."

Integra sat motionless, "Where is the councillor now, Walter?"

"Rest assured that he has been dealt with."

A familiar figure emerged from the shadow Integra was watching, "A tragic loss for such a pathetic weasel…Your orders, Master?"

"Alucard…This mission must be executed delicately, we need all the information we can get from the group. Don't kill them immediately."

Alucard smiled, "You have my word of honour!"

"You'll be heading to a remote village in Wales."

- - -

Tom and Adam were back at home. They sat in front of the TV frantically hammering on the Gamecube controllers.

"_Player 3 has entered!"_

Ghoul Phil tried to bite Adam, but Adam stopped him, "Phil! There." He placed the controller in his hand.

After some more mad button-bashing between Tom and Adam they stopped suddenly.

"_This game's winner is…Samus!"_

Adam looked at Tom, "How the hell did he do that?"

_- - -_

_Preview!_

**Seras**: In our next chapter, Master kicks some ass!

**Alex**: Hey! What about us?

**Seras**: You're on another convenient wild-goose-chase!

**Alex**: God bless this uninspired author!

_END_


	6. The not so big interesting tower

_**Author Note!**  
Perhaps one too many references here, but they're not well-known._

The Iscariots were lounging in the large transport vehicle. It was dimly lit and completely silent; the men sat solemnly, rocking to the movements of the vehicle.

It came to a stop but there was still no movement.

Just then the door swung open and through the bright, white light of the outside, Alex emerged smiling.

He closed the door and looked from side to side at the depressed, silent soldiers.

"Wow, if it gets any livelier in here a funeral might break out!"

One of the Iscariots looked up, "A lot of people died needlessly today!"

"…Well…I'll be off then…Bye." He waved to the lifeless troops and cautiously stepped out.

Alex shut the door and climbed onto the roof of the transport as the vehicle made its way down the long, dusty road.

_And now for something completely interesting!_

**Chapter 6: The Not-So-Big Interesting Tower**

A small sign on the roadside indicated the location.

**_Welcome To  
BLACKWOOD_**  
_**You'll never leave!**_

Seras walked down a deserted street. There were typical terraced houses on either side of the street and now and then a face appeared in a window watching the lone girl.

As she approached the street corner, an elderly man emerged from one of the houses.

"Umm excuse me, sir? Can you tell me where the Alminac Office is?"

The man spoke in a strange accent, "Take a look across the street my dear!"

She looked over at an old building not much bigger than the houses and barely noticeable in the terrace. She was less than surprised.

"Wow. That's it?"

"Yes! My, my, three stories to it! Don't see many sky-scrapers like that in these parts!"

Seras tried not to laugh, "What's inside it?"

"Hell if I know."

And with that, the old man shambled off, muttering to himself.

Then from the distance, a taxi rolled slowly up to Seras. A familiar man in a long coat, hat and dark glasses stepped out.

He spoke in a very eloquent English voice, "Your…luggage, Madam."

He hauled an enormous long case out of the taxi and dropped it at her feet.

He quickly jumped back into the taxi, "London please."

"You've got one hell of a fare building up, anonymous stranger!"

The taxi zoomed off down the road as Seras opened the case.

It was indeed the Harkonnen. Alongside the cannon was a small handgun with a note attached.

_"This should prove less suspicious in a civilian environment."_

She examined the gun, then concealed it in her jacket and carried the huge case to the doorstep of the building. She rested it gently at the side of the steps and entered casually.

She entered into an empty reception room and began looking around. There was a hall to one side and a set of stairs behind the desk.

Just then, a figure silently emerged behind the desk, Seras jumped in surprise and hurriedly drew the pistol.

"Wa-aaah!"

The receptionist dived under the desk, cowering out of sight.

Seras lowered her gun and leaned over the desk, "S-sorry…"

The receptionist made her way to her feet, still quivering slightly.

"C-can I help you?"

Seras began formally, "We have received reports of illegal operations being carried out in this facility. I'm here on behalf of my superiors to investigate."

Seras then noticed a young man watching from down the hall.

He stepped forward, bearing the razor sharp vampire teeth. He laughed and ran through a door. Seras turned to the woman.

"I'll be right back!"

She ran out the front door. Almost as soon as it closed, she burst back in carrying the Harkonnen on one shoulder.

"Wait here please!"

She ran through the door leaving the receptionist in total confusion.

- - -

Just outside the village, Alucard strolled comfortably in the setting sun over the hills.

He noticed the sign and smiled, "How charming! A perfect place for such filth!"

He continued on into the village as night set in.

- - -

Seras stood at the entrance to a large conservatory almost as tall as the building. The setting sun shone a bright orange into Seras' eyes, obscuring her vision.

The faint silhouettes of four figures could be seen in the sunlight. In a mad panic, Seras fired the cannon into the centre of them. The vampires effortlessly dodged the shell and began darting around the room.

"You can't hit us with that slow thing!"

Seras grew angry and fired several shots in all directions. A loud scream revealed one freak hit directly through the chest by the shell. As it turned to dust, Seras spotted another one behind her, missing his legs.

"Damn it! You bitch!"

The sun had since disappeared behind the hills as Seras looked around for the other two freaks.

Seras crouched down to reload the cannon as one of the freaks stopped in front of her.

She laughed and strolled over to Seras who was hurriedly trying to reload the cannon. She stood the Harkonnen, holding it to the ground.

"Stupid girl, what were you thinking?"

At the point of attack, the freak stopped in her tracks.

Seras looked up at the freak, now with a huge hole in her chest. She turned around to see Alucard, leaning against the open doorway, grinning while holding the ridiculously oversized handgun.

The freak collapsed to the floor as Alucard gently stepped into the room. He fired one more shot into the darkness, killing the last freak with ease. Seras returned to her feet looking disappointed.

He looked down at Seras, "Drink the blood and you won't be knocked down so easily."

"…Master…"

Alucard spotted the remaining half of a freak, writhing in pain against a wall.

He cowered in fear as Alucard pointed the gun into his face.

"I want information now, or I'll blow your arms off as well!"

"W-what do you want?"

"Where might we find the rest of your monstrous little cohort?"

The vampire stopped shaking and grinned evilly, "Right now, you're miles away!"

"I've had enough of you manufactured freaks!"

Before he could respond, Alucard pressed the trigger blasting the rest of the freak to pieces.

The two casually walked out of the front door. The receptionist emerged from the desk in complete confusion.

"Am I still going to get paid?"

- - -

Adam, Tom and Phil were still playing on the Gamecube.

Some time passed, but they carried on playing, button-bashing for several seconds.

Adam looked at the camera, "What? We don't have to entertain you!"

- - -

_Preview!_

**Alex (doing a bad Anderson impression)**: Ach! Ye filthy heathens!

**Seras**: What?

**Alex**: Eeemen!

_END_


	7. Introduction's a bitch

_Author Note  
So...now the seventh chapter, second version...tired...so very tired. (Bangs head on desk)  
_

- - -

Alex stood in total darkness with a single light shining over him.

An announcer's voice blared over a loudspeaker,

_Iiiiiin the red corner! Alex…Jan…Alucard, some Vampires!_

Lights switched on all around him revealing a massive crowd circling a boxing ring with Alex, Jan and Alucard stood in anticipation. The crowd were booing mockingly.

Alex looked around him in disbelief at the situation.

_Aaaaand entering the ring, all the way from the Vatican City in Italy, Iiiiiiiscarrriooot!_

Anderson, Maxwell and Father Renaldo appeared at the edge of the ring, Anderson in wrestling attire, flexing his muscles at the crowd.

Alex was still completely confused at what was going on. He looked to his left as Seras entered in a swim-suit and high heels holding a large _Round 1 _placard.

The ring-bell sounded and Anderson lunged forward at Alex sending a punch directly at his face.

"Waa-aah!"

Alex opened his eyes and saw bright blue above him. He looked around to see that he was dangling by a shoelace off the top of the heavy transport, his head repeatedly slamming into the back of the truck.

He looked up at his feet and tried to pull himself up. His fingers touched his ankles but he gave way and fell back upside down. He let out an angry sigh and gave up.

The truck suddenly slammed on the brakes; he flew back away from the transport as it screeched to a halt.

It stopped and he flew back at the rear of the truck.

"Oh shiii—"

**Chapter Seven: Introduction's a bitch**

"Is he alive?"

"Don't worry, he's probably sleeping."

Anderson slapped Alex across the face and he slowly came to.

"OW! What the fu--?"

He looked up in a daze and saw Enrico Maxwell speaking to Anderson. Alex realised who was there and looked down in a hurry.

"Ah, you must be the one who killed the doorman!"

Alex flinched, "Umm…aah…"

"Fantastic! Who would even think of hiring a vampire for Iscariot!"

Anderson and Maxwell laughed between themselves.

Anderson stepped up, "Well this is their hiding place. They dare to crawl into my homeland!"

Alex looked around. They were on the top of a very steep hill, looking over vast woodland. The top of a large concrete building could be seen in the distance.

"Wait, if that's their base why did you stop here?"

"We thought you could use the exercise."

Anderson walked over to the transport, "Well, I'm off now…"

Alex spoke, confused, "Why are you leaving? There's a whole mass of vampires ahead!"

Anderson turned back, smiling psychotically, "A shepherd must tend to the wayward flock!"

He turned his back and smiled affectionately at a photograph of himself and the orphans making faces.

Anderson composed himself and stood by the door to the vehicle, following Maxwell afterwards. The transport rumbled off into the distance, leaving Alex stood alone.

After several moments looking peacefully over the idyllic landscape, Alex looked down at the woods below. He stepped up to the edge of the steep hill.

Looking down to the ground below, he smiled and burst into a sprint down the hill. He ran faster and faster as the hill declined further until he was running on almost a vertical slope.

He looked around suddenly realising that the ground was drawing rapidly closer, he tried to slow down but in the process stumbled on a rock.

Alex tumbled down to the bottom of what was now a cliff. He drew the sword and stabbed it into the rock, instantly halting him. He looked down to the floor, about three feet below him.

He dropped down into the edge of the woods. Despite the bright sunlight of the morning shining down from the hills it was dark inside the woods.

Close by, the sound of shambling footsteps emerged, followed by the drained monotonous groaning of ghouls. A mass of ghouls appeared from inside the woods.

Alex backed up to the cliff. He looked up to see the sword glistening in the rock. He leaped up to the sword and hung off it before he managed to painfully wrench it from the cliff. He brought the sword down rapidly, slamming it into the ground.

Alex withdrew the sword and began cutting through the pack of advancing ghouls. Charging down the hillside and having to pry the sword from the rock had tired Alex. Every passing second, more and more ghouls appeared through the darkness and before long he was completely surrounded by them.

Just as the pack began to attack, they stopped dead. They seemed to hesitate and they did not move from the spot.

Just then, the crowd parted as a figure stood atop a large rock strolled towards him. As the figure moved closer, Alex could make him out in the faint light. He looked like a military general but he was clearly a vampire.

"I must welcome you, trespasser! I am surprised you were able to survive the cliff fall…Allow me to introduce myself. I am- - -"

At the moment of his introduction, Alex lunged at him, bringing the sword swinging at his neck. The vampire quickly parried the attack with his hand, sending Alex crashing back to the floor.

"You wouldn't even let me introduce myself!"

He smiled looking at the large wound in his clenched hand as it slowly began to heal. Alex sat up, balancing the sword in the ground. He looked angrily at the towering figure and then at the masses of undead still surrounding his position.

"Oh dear, exhausted already! You might as well give up now."

With a sudden burst of energy, Alex came to life, and attacked viciously. Just before making contact with him, the vampire shifted to the side and delivered a powerful punch into Alex. Just as quickly as he had attacked, everything went black.

- - -

_PREVIEW_

**Spirit of Harkonnen: **Stories fall from the trees like leaves…

**Anonymous bad-guy:** Hmph!

**Seras:** So write your stories wisely! Hey, who the hell are you!

_END_


	8. There's a sword in my gullet

_Author note  
Ah, Seras Victoria…The only character in a manga or anime with a reason to angst…  
But seriously she's got it bad! I mean she's an orphaned girl who at the age of 18/19 had just seen all her friends and comrades turned into mindless monsters… And then she has to choose between rape and murder from some crazy priest vampire or be killed and turned into a monster by some random (incredibly cool) vampire who just annihilated all her undead friends and comrades!_

_Sorry. That was entirely too long and irrelevant…_

**Chapter 8: There's a sword in my gullet**

Alex slowly woke up, remembering nothing of previous events. He opened his eyes but he could hardly see anything. He tried to move but felt completely immobilised by something.

"Awake at last?"

The voice came from nearby in the darkness. It was not at all familiar to Alex. Shortly afterwards, the person had opened shutters, revealing an incredibly bright sun, blinding Alex.

"Welcome to the city."

As his eyes accustomed to the painful light, he looked out of the large windows. He appeared to be near the top of a very tall building in the middle of a small city. The streets were tidy but the city appeared completely empty.

He turned his attention away from the window and to his captor. It wasn't the large military vampire from before but a female vampire, yet another freak vampire. She was stood in the shadow of the room, watching Alex with intrigue. Next to her lay the sword the Paladin had given Alex. It was simply placed on a table next to her. He struggled again but to no avail.

"It's really not worth the effort. You've been immobilised because of your increasingly less unique state."

She gestured to a wild rose affixed to Alex's front. He was frozen to a wall by the simple flower. His situation was rather mocking.

"You didn't really think you could hide what you are!"

Alex growled under his breath. The vampire sat down on a lone chair at the opposite side of the room, leaning back contentedly.

Alex spoke, "…Where am I?"

"You're imprisoned in the centre of our little 'project'…"

Just as she mentioned this, the door opened. The vampire of his previous encounter strolled in.

"I will take it from here."

"All right…"

The woman walked out of the room. She glanced across at Alex and laughed quietly before closing the door.

"Indeed, our 'project' is well under way…"

He paused, leaving a short gap expectantly. After several seconds of silence he frowned at Alex.

"Fine! Our project has operated in the shadows for many- - -"

Alex interrupted, "Do I need to hear this?"

"Yes damnit! Don't worry, I don't expect you to live to tell anyone!"

He left another opening for a response, but received silence again.

"…Anyway, where was I? Yes, we came across a rather unique chip from certain individuals. Analysis ascertained that this chip had no significance in an electronic system. Then after much experimentation it was found that upon implanting the chip into humans, they became super-strong, cannibalistic creatures, vampires! Our plan involved a great number of 'volunteers' in order to succeed…"

He moved to the window overlooking the city, "Out there is our army. Several thousand enhanced persons, who will march down into England, causing chaos and destruction across the land on their way to London where we will instate our rule, after total victory over the nation!"

The rather pompous vampire lost himself in a burst of maniacal laughter at the ambitious goals he saw them achieving. After much time laughing, he noticed his captive, indifferent towards him. He composed himself.

"Don't you have anything to say?"

"Not really…You're just another heathen freak, although you're a much more annoying, pretentious one than the rest!"

The vampire smiled at particular words, "...'Heathen'! My, what bold language! I can see those archaic teachings of the Vatican still have their effect! I would never have guessed you belonged to that organisation until you uttered that."

Alex seeming to echo the words of Anderson responded, "Even if this land is overrun by heathens towards men, you are even lower than them! We are ordered to annihilate those who would defy God's will and we accept that task until death!"

At hearing this defiant statement, the vampire moved towards Alex.

"'Until death' Then what of you, vampire?"

He laughed quietly, "I was going to have you left 'alive' to become a part of our rebellion but I grow tired of that nonsense you people continue to spew out!"

He struck at Alex, sending him flying across the room. Alex was freed from the sealing power of the rose, but after the powerful hit he lay on the ground, writhing in pain.

The vampire approached him again. He lifted Alex off the ground by his neck and proceeded to severely beat him up. When he had finished, the vampire hurled his limp body across the room, sending him crashing through the table.

Alex rolled over, coughing blood. He was lone and helpless against such a powerful vampire. Where he had landed, he noticed an object shining through the broken table. The XIII sword was lying just out of reach. Alex looked but didn't move. The vampire had begun to approach Alex. But he paused in surprise. From the distance the sound of gunfire could be heard. He looked out of the window. Alex took the initiative and slowly, agonizingly reached over for the sword while his captor was momentarily distracted.

However, the vampire's suspicion was correct. In the distance, a large crowd of people dressed in black robes was charging through the city. Freaks had begun to pour out of the buildings into the streets. The crowd was armed with guns and was blasting its way through the hordes.

His eyes widened as he realised, "Priests!"

He barely finished the word when a blade jammed through his back. He looked down at the sword pierced through his chest. As blood began to trickle from the wound, he held his hand to it and collapsed against the window.

Alex ripped the sword out of the vampire unceremoniously, falling back onto the floor. Through the daylight, he watched the vampire turn to dust. He clambered to his feet and looked out of the window.

Just as the vampire had seen, the Iscariots were storming the city. Huge groups of priest, armed with handguns were blasting through crowds of freaks and ghouls. Occasionally, bombs were going off in the buildings, sending many ghouls flying into the air, and starting huge fires.

Alex looked back into the room, at the door, his escape. He quickly tried the handle but it was locked. He stepped back, then gathering his strength he charged against the door. He let out a cry as his shoulder crushed against the door.

He returned to the window. The fighting had pushed right back to only a few blocks from the building he was trapped in. Just then he noticed a number of objects flying towards the building, one crashing through the window.

Alex dived away from the window as the object exploded. He slammed onto the floor, but narrowly avoided the blast. As the smoke cleared, he looked across to the door. The bomb had blasted a chunk out of the wall. He once again struggled to his feet and managed to squeeze through the hole in the wall.

He had escaped into a corridor and began looking for a way out. The bombs had demolished the floor and fires had started around the rooms. At the end of the corridor, Alex spotted a staircase. He looked down in between the stairs. He could see the ground floor, several flights down.

He slotted the sword behind his back and began the descent.

- - -

_And now a message from the author!_

Greetings, reader! I would like to apologise on behalf of my non-creative mind that caused me to write the crap that formerly spanned chapters seven through to early nine. The edit has led to various changes: no blessed guns, no mary-sue-like invincibility, no badly parodied characters, no flesh-eating ogres, just better thought out plotlines and characters!

Now onward, to the next heavily edited chapter!


	9. No Longer Human

_Author Note  
Major modifications here, mainly a page worth of Iscariot stuff that was too much like the later manga volumes. Hence why it's a bit short!_

**Chapter Nine: No Longer Human**

In the slow descent, Alex began to think, _"Everyone else found out I was a vampire so quickly…Why didn't Anderson see it? Perhaps he already knows…But then why would he tolerate it? He despises vampires!"_

Eventually he reached the ground floor. Looking around, he found what appeared to be the exit.

"_Will he be with the other crusaders? What will he do if he finds out…that's if he doesn't already know…"_

Alex slowly pushed the door open. But the fading daylight he was expecting was nowhere to be seen, the exit was dark.

Just as he stepped through the doorway, a series of lights flickered on, revealing a dozen freak vampires and standing with them was the woman from earlier.

"So, you killed the big guy! We may be under heavy attack but that doesn't we'll let you walk out!"

The vampires readied themselves to fight the young paladin. Alex drew the sword, but he was badly beaten up and exhausted from his previous encounters.

"_I can't get away now. I'll have to fight…"_

He lined the sword against the freaks, looking fiercely at them. He leaped from his spot at the same time as his opponents.

Just at that moment, another explosion rattled the building, shattering the lights. Alex stood up, trying to look through the smoke from the explosion. Faint rays of orange light burst through the smoke, eventually revealing the outside, and the setting sun.

A large group of Iscariots had gathered at the opening, brandishing guns at the freaks. As the dust and smoke cleared, Alex took his chance and made a dash past the other paladins.

He burst out to the sounds of explosions and gunfire echoing around the city. He stepped cautiously along an enormous dividing wall separating this building from the city. The heavy sounds of footsteps, gunfire and bodies hitting the ground drew closer.

Just then, a huge explosion sounded as an enormous hole was torn through the wall, causing great chunks of it to crumble to the ground. Alex moved out of the way and into the shadows from the sun.

- - -

Through the dust clouds, a huge figure stepped through the hole and trampled on a ghoul on the ground.

The dust cleared and Father Anderson stood triumphantly, laughing in his mad fashion.

"Ah! Nothing beats a good old-fashioned crusade!"

He was followed by Heinkel, a deranged Yumie with an incredibly bloody katana and a host of other armed priests.

Through the dust clouds, Heinkel spotted Alex's figure, hidden in shadow. Without hesitation, she fired at him, causing him to fall back into the shadows.

At realising what Heinkel had done, Anderson shouted, "What in God's name are you doing!"

"Sorry…It's instinct."

"You just killed one of our men you idiot!"

Anderson had Heinkel up in the air by the scruff of her neck.

"I'm sorry! I didn't- - -"

Heinkel froze, looking past Anderson. She pointed madly at Alex who had risen up, the bullet hole had healed up and he stumbled to his feet.

Anderson dropped Heinkel to the floor, "Oh God…"

Heinkel glared at Anderson, "How could you not tell he was a vampire!"

Anderson took off his glasses, "I don't know! Perhaps I need stronger glasses…"

"Wait…you mean you _need_ glasses? I though we all wore them for show!"

Anderson stared at her in silence.

"…Well, it looks like I need to lay another soul to rest!"

He wielded a bayonet in front of Alex, causing it to shine brightly.

But as he leaned in to strike, a familiar gloved white hand smashed through the heart of the vampire.

Alucard emerged from the darkness, smiling proudly. "Well, well! The entire clan is here!"

The other Iscariots kept silent, Heinkel speaks, "Alucard? I thought you died fighting Incognito!"

"What? I thought I was fighting Nazi vampires!"

"_Gentlemen…I so love var!"_

"Nazi vampires? That's just ridiculous!"

Anderson turned back to the Iscariots, "Your mission here is over. You must leave quickly."

But Yumie still wild with bloodlust, charged at Alucard with her sword.

Just as she was about to leap up, a hand slipped her glasses back on and she ground to a halt in front of Alucard. She looked up at Alucard who was laughing hysterically at Yumiko, now paralysed in fear.

Alucard drew the Jackal out, causing Yumiko to scream in panic before running off back into the darkness.

Anderson shouted at the top of his voice, "Leave…NOW!"

The Iscariots followed Yumiko back into the city.

"Hehehe. It's just the two of us now, vampire…"

He brought out two bayonets, holding them across himself, in a silent pose.

"Finally, some entertainment!"

Alucard pointed the gun at the paladin. They looked at each other in silence.

- - -

_PREVIEW!_

_**Seras**: In our next chapter we finally bring peace to our merry little England! Do doo do doo do!_

_**Alucard**: Swing it baby!_

_END!_


	10. A Long Awaited Climax

_Author note  
Number ten! Number ten! Bigger and better than the previous chapters just like Final Fantasy X. (guns load) except for FF7&8, how silly of me!_

Anderson and Alucard stood in silence. Neither person moved, they simply stared each other out. Alexander looked serious, hidden behind the two bayonets, held producing a glare in front of Alucard.

Alucard appeared to be smiling joyfully. It had been a long time since he had a worthwhile opponent, so this fight would prove great entertainment for the no life king.

The wind blew lightly, causing leaves to twist and dive in the air at their feet. More time passed with nothing in particular happening until Anderson broke the silence.

"What are you waiting for?"

Alucard lowered his gun and still smiling, pointed behind Alexander. Anderson turned and saw the glowing red sun still alight on the horizon.

"Hmph. Damn vampires…"

- - -

**Chapter X: A Long Awaited Climax**

At the outskirts of the ruined city, Ferguson and Seras stood watching the fires rip through the buildings.

"Officer Victoria, you will scout the city for the usual ghouls, freaks and vampires and if possible…any survivors."

"Right, sir…Um shouldn't we have an armed unit doing this as well?"

"The army is refusing to give Hellsing any more troops as those that have been transferred all seem to die during their first mission…"

"Yeah...That does tend to happen."

Seras lifted the Harkonnen in one hand and walked comfortably away.

"And Seras, please take care. The Hellsing Organisation only has two members that aren't semi-retired so we could do with keeping you in one piece."

Seras ran off into the city leaving Ferguson alone next to the armoured transport.

- - -

The sun was setting very slowly behind the two fighters. They were still stood in silence, still holding their weapons ready to attack. Alucard lowered his glasses and spotted the last flickering red lines disappear under the land.

He laughed loudly, "At last! The night is upon us!"

Alexander laughed to himself, and prepared his bayonets for undead blood.

- - -

Seras stepped cautiously through the ruined buildings and piles of rubble but there was nothing left. She stopped to listen as something caught her attention.

It was the sound of footsteps in the distance, drawing rapidly closer. Seras hid behind a wrecked wall loading the Harkonnen for the approaching mass.

Seras carefully leaned round the corner to see a horde of blackened people charging away from the city, directly towards her. The people were all brandishing their guns, swords and other weapons as Seras' face turned to horror.

"An army of priests!"

She screamed, quickly whipped the cannon up and charged off back to the edge of the city.

- - -

Ferguson was leaning on the huge vehicle, watching the night sky closing in. His peaceful silence was broken by the scream of Seras, who was sprinting away from her target, looking terrified.

"Officer Vic--"

"Sorry Sir, I'm saving my own skin today!"

She stepped past him and ran inside the transport, slamming and locking the door shut. Ferguson looked back to the city where the army of priests was marching calmly out of. They shuffled past Ferguson, who had a look of total confusion on his face. One of the priests turned to Ferguson.

"Evening."

Ferguson responded with surprise, "Evening, gentlemen."

And with that the horde of priests marched off into the darkness of the night. Ferguson wiped his brow in relief and leaned back against the vehicle.

A frightened little voice whispered, "Is it safe to come out now sir?"

- - -

"And now with this blessed blade I spill vampire blood in the name of God!"

Alexander lowered the bayonets and charged to Alucard. He ducked, swinging the bayonets at Alucard, who narrowly dodged them.

Alexander continued attacking, thrusting the bayonets towards Alucard's face and neck. But Alucard avoided the blades with ease making no retaliation.

In anger Alexander leaped back, standing at a distance from Alucard. He paused for breath for a few seconds while Alucard smiled and laughed quietly in joy.

Alexander charged towards Alucard again with bayonets between his fingers and in his hands. Just before running into Alucard, he jumped up above him, disappearing momentarily into shadow.

Alucard looked up as several twinkles in the dark formed to blades and flew down around him, skimming the edge of his arms and his back.

Alucard began to draw his gun as Alexander landed suddenly in front of him, crouched down. The moment he landed he swung two bayonets across Alucard's front, slicing him clean in two.

As Alucard began to fall, a series of bayonets flew into his front, sending him flying back and pinning him to a tree.

Blood trickled down on to the ground from the wounds, and the lightly tinted glasses dropped and shattered on the ground.

Alexander leaned back and laughed psychotically in victory.

- - -

Integra sat next to Walter at her desk. She sar opposite a cool and calm Enrico Maxwell who was surrounded by his usual entourage and faithful Father Renaldo standing silently at his side.

Papers, photos and other documents were strewn across the table as Integra examined each piece carefully. They were all sat in deathly silence, Enrico playing with a small silver cross, watched Integra.

Out of the silence the piercing sound of the phone echoed around the huge room. Without saying a word, Walter stepped quietly out of the room and answered it.

Integra stopped reading and sat in solemnity, staring out Enrico. The words 'calm down, everything is fine' could be heard through the doorway as Walter returned.

He stood by Integra, cleared his throat and said, "That was a rather distressed Miss Victoria. It appears the Iscariots have withdrawn from the city but Alucard and Father Anderson are fighting alone."

Integra looked at Enrico who was smiling contentedly, "You never do give us all the information do you Maxwell?"

He chuckled quietly, "Now where is the fun in that? Besides I have no control over our dear Father Anderson. He loses all self-control in the face of heathens and vampires."

Integra stood up, scowled at Enrico and walked out along with Walter. As the footsteps faded away, Enrico leaned back and smiled in satisfaction.

"It certainly is a lovely old house here…"

"Indeed it is sir."

"Perhaps next time we should persuade Alexander to bring the children here."

- - -

Alexander was still laughing in his mad manner, unaware of the blood trickling back up into Alucard.

Alucard broke in to Alexander's laughter, "Oh, you're fun! I haven't had this much entertainment in years!"

He slipped casually off the tree, the bayonets clanged and clattered on the ground beneath his feet.

Alexander growled, "Why can't you just die you monster!"

A handful of bayonets flew towards Alucard again. But from the darkness, Alucard fired, shattering the blades just inches from his face.

Alucard emerged from the deep darkness; he dropped the empty cartridge and slammed another one in place.

"Now this is where the fun really starts!"

He held the gun to his mouth and pulled the slide across with his teeth. Alexander prepared another set of bayonets.

_TO BE CONCLUDED!_

_- - -_

_Easter Sunday, Iscariot HQ_

Maxwell, Alexander, Renaldo and a host of priests were arguing amongst themselves.

"Okay I have the solution as to who gets to say mass! Everyone draw a straw."

The priests grumbled as they picked straws. They all looked; Enrico and Renaldo were disappointed as they had chosen long straws.

In silence all the priests turned to Alexander, who smiled as he saw the short straw in his hand.

"Oh yeah! You looose suckers!"

Alexander ran off like a child with a new toy. He hurriedly put the robes on over his usual attire and stepped out, suddenly looking very solemn. He made his way over to the altar, head bowed and began.

"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost---eargh!"

Just before finishing he straightened up and whacked his head on a low-hung decoration. Enrico and Renaldo were watching from the side, Enrico laughed quietly.

"Perhaps next time sir, we should provide a more 'Anderson-friendly' church."

Enrico spoke through his laughter, "No, Father Renaldo. This suits me just fine!"

- - -

_PREVIEW_

Anderson stamped repeatedly on the decoration in the background.

**Seras:** In our next chapter, another pointless fight continues…

**Anderson: **Problem, wee twae!

Seras wailed and ran away.

_END_


	11. Hell's Gate Arrested

_Author Note_  
And now what you've all come here to read…hardcore slash episodes! I call this ten chapter series:

**Impure Masters**

This initial pairing is….hey who are you? No! Let go of me! - - -where are you throwing m- - -!

_Several hours later…_

Well I've been told to apologise for using the 's' word there and so due to a certain suggestion…I say 'suggestion' more of a request…I say 'request' it's more a life or death demand which if I do not concede to I will lose my fingers, toes, and any other parts enabling me to type on a keyboard………here's the final chapter!

- - -

Everything was black. He opened his eyes but everything remained black. He stumbled around on the ground, feeling with his hands, the rough, hard rock, which grew ever hotter.

He made his way to his feet, looking around for light in the darkness. But all around, the black turned to grey, turned to orange. It grew brighter and brighter, burning and blinding light surrounding him.

Until he could see that he was surrounded by towering walls of flame, stretching out far and wide into the glowing five-pointed star.

The flames gradually cooled in front of him, revealing patches of a great stone wall. He noticed a particular part, displaying a worn but still legible inscription.

"_Through me the way is to the city dolent;_

_Through me the way is to eternal dole;_

_Through me the way among the people lost- -_

**Chapter XI: Hell's Gate Arrested**

"This time there's no holding back!"

"That's what I want to hear you heathen monster! It's time to deliver the divine punishment upon you!"

Alucard fired several shots at Alexander. Alexander narrowly dodged the bullets towards his head, one bullet blasting a chunk out of his shoulder.

"That was a lucky shot vampire! I'll get you now!"

He threw a handful of bayonets at Alucard, who made no effort to avoid them. The bayonets ripped straight through him and out into the darkness.

Alucard simply laughed at the meagre wounds quickly healing themselves.

"You still think you can kill me with those silly little toys? Have you learned nothing?"

Alexander scowled at the vampire; he was tired out, covered with scars and bullet holes from the intense battle while his enemy stood proudly, looking as if he had never fought a battle yet, smiling and laughing.

He was disgusted and angered at the sight, the lone immortal vampire. No matter how hard he tried he could not defeat this foe. Perhaps the blessed weapons will not stop this monster? Perhaps Iscariot has been wasting it's time with these methods?

"No! I will not stop fighting! We, the order of Iscariot will not rest until every heathen and monster is eradicated from history! I will never stop this fight until the day I die!"

Alucard smiled at the newly fired-up Alexander, "Well in that case this will have to be the day you die, priest!"

- - -

The flames vanished completely revealing the rest of the inscription.

"_- -Justice incited my sublime Creator;_

_Created me divine Omnipotence,_

_The highest Wisdom and the primal Love._

_Before me there were no created things,_

_Only eterne, and I eternal last._

_All hope abandon, ye who enter in!"_

Alex Peters looked around in fear. Behind and all around him was eternal darkness save for the great gates in front of him, separating the wall.

He approached the gates and it seemed as though with each step they opened further, inviting him in. Seeing that there was nowhere else to go, he blindly entered in.

The gates slammed shut behind him in a terribly clichéd fashion. Alex felt the flames of Hades getting closer, he surveyed the area.

This appeared to be only the surface, there was a great murky river not far from the gates. A lone boat waited on the near shore, the silhouette of a person stood waiting.

Alex foolishly approached the figure. As he walked closer, the figure became an ancient man, almost skeletal standing in sorrow overlooking the river.

Alex asked the boatman, "Where am I?" He thought it a stupid question, he had already realised where he was and what had happened to him.

The boatman spoke, seeming to completely ignore the question.

"Woe unto you, ye soul depraved…"

Alex started back as the boatman spoke monotonously.

"Hope nevermore to look upon the heavens; I come to lead you to the other shore, to the eternal shades in heat and frost."

He followed the boatman into the rotting gondola that hovered at the shore of the river.

As the boat slowly made its way downstream, Alex watched at the opposite shore. There were people, in their hundreds, withered and old, labouring endlessly. Those not working were on their knees, crying, screaming as it seemed to God.

Then out of the mist and fog emerged a huge demon, with the eyes of a predator, collecting the souls together, beating the ones lagging behind.

Alex turned to the boatman, "Umm we're just passing through right? This is just a horrific detour before we go to heaven?"

"We get that a lot!"

"Wait- -But I don't belong here!"

"That's what they all say!"

- - -

Alucard's smile faded away as he raised his hands to his face.

"Releasing control art restriction system to level three…level two…situation A release level one…The Cromwell approval is now in effect!"

Anderson was already charging towards Alucard as the demon dogs tore from his shoulders.

"Cast thyself back to the shadows you heathen!"

Then from afar, a shell landed between the two, separating them through the smoke and fire.

Alucard returned to his normal self, smiling in the anticipation. Then a voice came from the clouds of smoke.

"I think that's about enough from the two of you."

And Integra strolled deliberately between the two fighters, who were frozen in anger at each other, still wielding their weapons.

"Thank you, Officer Victoria. That will be all."

Seras emerged with the Harkonnen standing alongside Integra and Alucard. Anderson looked at the Hellsing members in disgust and anger. But thinking better of it, he smiled calmly.

"One day! One day God will exact his revenge on the lot of you heathen scum! Good day to you!"

Anderson turned his back and walked into the darkness, leaving the three Hellsing members stood alone.

Alucard looked at Integra, "This is more entertaining each time we meet. Perhaps you could agree a schedule?"

"I will lock you in the dungeon, Alucard…"


	12. Epilogue!

Then the host turned to one of the authors, "Tell us a merry tale, good maniac, Sir John by your name, so our hearts be glad!" Said our host.

"Then I shall tell you a tale of a wealthy Protestant woman, who had in her service two peculiar characters who did walk the night with large weapons."

And so begins The Maniac's Tale…

**Chapter XII: Epilogue**

_Or The Hellsing Fanservice Extravaganza with No Particular Plot Relevance to Which the Physical Author Has Made Himself Exempt For._

Through the smoke and flames of a war zone, two figures came into view. They stood atop great piles of vampire bodies, all in Nazi military uniform. A light breeze blew away the smoke, as the two figures became visible. One was a teenage boy in shirt and tie clutching lengths of wire between his knuckles. The other figure seemed to be another young lad, but a very feminine one, holding a large silver cross upright, rather victoriously.

"Well, Alucard I believe we've taken care of all the remaining Nazi forces here in South America."

"That was an impressive display you put on, Walter!"

Walter lit a cigarette and stepped off the mountain of corpses.

"You know smoking is a big risk for someone your age. You could die from your recklessness."

Walter smiled at Alucard's amusing comment. He dropped the cigarette, stepping on it as he strolled over to Alucard.

"You're so cruel, Alucard!"

Alucard laughed quietly, "You like it really…"

They drew closer in an awkward silence.

"Oh Alucard."

"Walter…"

_!FLASHBACK!_

"And that's how Walter and Alucard defeated the Millennium organisation in World War 2."

Integra leaned back in her chair, letting the picture revolve around her mind. Across from her, Pip and Seras sat in silence, looking rather ill.

"Eugh, zat is creepy!"

"Is that really what happened, Sir Integra?"

Integra answered, "More or less…"

- - -

Pip and Seras left Integra's office and made their way out of the Hellsing mansion.

"Oh, I 'ave somezing for you, Mignonette!"

Seras looked at Pip suspiciously, "What would that be, captain?"

"Now that would spoil ze surprise!"

Pip led Seras into the soldiers' quarters, carefully closing the door behind himself.

"So what is this surprise then?"

"Over 'ere mignonette…"

"Wow! It's huge! You must have had a hard time hiding that!"

"Yeah, it's not easy to keep secret…Hnngh…Ugh...Agh…Damn! I can barely get it up!"

"Here let me help!"

"…woah! You 'andle it so much better zan me!"

"Well I am a vampire. We're better at this sort of thing than you!"

"Ah…zat's enough toying wiz it for now!"

Behind the door, Seras marvelled at the new Harkonnen cannon Pip had given her.

Pip asked, "Do I get my reward now?"

"Don't push it, you pervert!"

- - -

Seras stepped timidly into Integra's office. The room always seemed so depressing. There were no lights other than a low desk lamp. Seras wondered how Integra could put up with the lifelessness of the Hellsing manor.

Integra looked up with a piercing glance, "Ah, Officer. What brings you here?"

"Umm I have a report to deliver from Captain Bernadette's team."

"…I see."

Integra looked at Seras stood bolt upright and looking strangely nervous.

"Please, take a seat, Officer."

She gestured to the chair facing her. Seras sat down at the desk. Integra put out her cigar and looked at Seras expectantly.

"Well?"

Seras stared vacantly at the Hellsing leader. Her manner was unusually relaxed. Just at the moment of speaking, Seras changed. She looked lovingly at her master and leaned forward over the desk.

"Officer Victoria, just what do you think you're doing!"

Seras snapped out of the possessed state, "I'm sorry, I can't help it! It's like some force from beyond is commanding me!"

"ALUCARD!"

Alucard emerged from the shadowy corner of the room, "Not me, I'm right here…"

Integra calmed down, "I see…Wait, what are you wearing!"

"It appears to be…oh I've had just about enough of this author!"

Alucard took the Jackal out and vanished through the shadows.

Seras smiled, "Now where were we?"

- - -

Just outside of Integra's office, Pip leaned against the wall with a satisfactory look on his face.

"Ahahaha. No-one ever suspects ze captain!"

'The Captain' emerged, "Are you to be talking about me?"

"Non! No-one likes you, wolfy!"

"Do you vant to fight, frenchy!"

"Oh, zat's it! No-one insults what iz probably ma 'omeland!"

Pip drew a gun. The Captain hastily drew a bigger gun from his coat.

- - -

Back in Integra's office, Seras and Integra were…well right where they were before the pointless scene change.

Integra rose from her seat and slowly moved towards Seras.

"Sir Integra, I…"

Integra stopped Seras before she could speak, "Please…You don't have to call me 'Sir' now."

They drew close, "Integra…"

"Seras…"

_!EXPLOSION!_

The pair ceased their activity as the two captains smashed through the door, grappling on the floor by Integra's feet. They quickly stopped and looked up at an extremely infuriated Integra Hellsing bearing down on them.

"Ooh! Zis is awkward…"

"Ya…Umm…I have to be going now!"

The Captain leaped up and ran out of the office.

Pip stood up, casually brushing the dust and splintered wood from his clothes. In total silence he looked at Integra, still fuming with rage, then at Seras, blushing from the previous interrupted event.

"Okay. So I'll be leaving now."

Integra answered, "Yes. That would be a good idea, captain."

Pip tip-toed slowly towards the door, glancing over his shoulder at the two women. His footsteps echoed down the hallway.

Just as they were about to resume, a voice shouted from a distance, "Better 'old back, boss! She can be bitey!"

Seras charged out of Integra's office after Pip.

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

- - -

The author appeared to be reading a storybook to a group of children.

"Hellsing Volume 4. Now as you can see in this panel, Integra doesn't care for Alucard! But like him or not, Alucard is here to stay! Or is he? Let's read on!"

_several long tedious hours later…_

"So what have we learned today children?"

"You can only kill a vampire by stabbing it through the heart with a wooden stake!"

The author leaped up enthusiastically, "Don't be fooled by those urban legends! How else can an undead be slain?"

"By shooting or stabbing him with blessed silver?"

"Right!"

One of the children approached him, "Look! My fangs are really sharp now!"

"Brilliant! Okay where's Anderson? Anderson!"

A small blond-haired boy appeared, "Andrew."

"Anderson sounds better. Okay Anderson, I want you and little Alucard here to go and fight in that corner until you're told to stop by little Integra."

He pointed to a girl dressed in an Integra suit, complete with silver cross.

"Okay…GO!"


End file.
